Johnny Sisk: Sarah Palin, In Comparison

by Johnny Sisk [courtesy of Politics on HuffingtonPost.com]

Well, the Republican veepstakes are over. And the winner is ... (drum roll please) ... Sarah Palin!

I think I speak for everyone in America when I say, "Who?!"

If Obama knocked it out of the park Thursday night, then John McCain just hit a dribbler to first to end the inning.

But before we all agree that Sarah Palin is a laughably bad choice, let's give her a fair shot. McCain's risky pick could actually pay off in a head-to-head match-up with Obama and Biden, shoring up many of the gaps in his campaign.

For instance, McCain has argued all along that Obama doesn't have enough experience to be Commander-in-Chief. Palin, on the other hand, has been a governor. Of Alaska. For less than two years.

Of course, many Republicans are concerned that McCain won't be able to connect to average Americans, what with the seven houses he doesn't remember owning. Palin won't have that problem after recently losing her igloo of 14 years to foreclosure.

And sure, Obama plays basketball. But was he a "high school champion basketball player" like Palin?

The similarities between Biden and Palin are even more striking. For instance, both Biden from Delaware and Palin from Alaska represent states no one has ever been to.

Both Biden and Palin also have children who will soon be serving America overseas. Biden's oldest son Beau is heading to Iraq in October. And coincidentally, Palin's oldest son Track is also being deployed to Iraq on September 11th. McCain has chosen a mother whose son is getting sent off to the country that didn't attack us on 9/11 ... on the seventh anniversary of 9/11. Senator McCain sure knows how to drive home a point - his opponent's point.

What's more is that the woman is 44 years old and still having kids. Honestly, five kids? Must be true what they say about Alaska: there really isn't much to do up there.

Palin also hunts and eats moose, proving that Democrats shouldn't be worried about protecting Alaskan wildlife from oil drilling. They should be worried about protecting them from Sarah Palin. But dammit if those mooseburgers aren't tasty!

As a life-long Alaskan fisherman, Palin's husband Todd is just as impressive. In fact, the biggest applause on Friday came when she announced that Todd is a "world champion snow machine racer."

Right. Because that's what I look for in a possible First Lady - the ability to compete in the X-Games.

Plus, if Sarah became President, Todd would become the first First Spouse to sport a goatee.

Except for that one year in 1937 when Eleanor Roosevelt didn't shave.

Palin also noted that it's been 88 years since women first gained the right to vote and that Hillary Clinton "left 18 million cracks in the highest, hardest glass ceiling."

"But it turns out the women of America aren't finished yet," she continued. "And we can shatter that glass ceiling once and for all!"

Yes, she can shatter that glass ceiling ... if John McCain keels over, dies of a heart attack, and she's swept into the Oval Office by default. You see, Hillary was running for President. Are women really buying this "I'm a woman, and you're a woman, so you should vote for me as VP" argument?

Just last month, McCain had the nerve to accuse Obama of trying to lose a war to win an election - to pull out troops in Iraq for the sole purpose of gaining popular support. What more is this vice-presidential selection than a calculated political move to woo female voters and win an election? What experience does this woman have that qualifies her to be a heartbeat away from the Oval Office - other than her ability to attract Hillary Clinton's disenchanted supporters?

The media, of course, loves a good story, so they praised McCain for surprising everyone with his pick - as if surprising everyone is a good thing. In fact, the last thing I want from my President is surprises. You know, like when a major American city is drowning, and the President "surprises" us by staying at his ranch in Crawford clearing brush.

Why would McCain tap such a complete unknown as his running mate, you ask? Why didn't he go with the millionaire Mormon android? Or that once-Democrat, once-failed vice-presidential candidate Droopy Dog? Or that other unknown governor from Minnesota?

Because they all turned him down.

With Palin's clear lack of both foreign policy and national political experience, Republicans are probably scratching their heads over this decision. But they'll still support it. Because with no offense to Palin, at this point, McCain could pick a chimp draped in an American flag as his vice-president, and the Republican party would cheer - as long as his chimp didn't believe in evolution.