Friday Apocalypse Thread

by Chris Bowers [courtesy of Open Left - Front Page]

I know many of you want me to do more election blogging, and don't worry that will return soon. In fact, it should be back tomorrow. I just need to clear my head from the primary haze that has surrounded it these past five months. In that spirit, in the extended entry, I provide a random, palate cleansing thread for a post-happy hour discussion: ranking the top ten types of apocalyspes.

10. Comet / Asteroid Apocalypse: Of all the various apocalypse scenarios, humanity being wiped out by a big space rock seems as though it would have the least amount of meaning to it. I mean, where is the morality in just getting hit by a big rock? Doesn't really say much about where we went wrong-just seems like terrible luck. Plus, Deep Impact and Armageddon were pretty weak movies.

9. Nuclear Apocalypse: Even though retro always seems like the new cool these days, the threat of nuclear apocalypse just seems so 1960's through 1980's. Not that I am saying the threat is entirely gone, just that nuclear apocalypse has fallen out of fashion. It has been a while since the heady days of Dr. Strangelove, The Day After, or Mad Max: The Road Warrior. Plus, a nuclear apocalypse would be something a few people wreak on everyone else, making it a very top-down apocalypse. People-powered apocalypse is all the rage.

8. Volcano Apocalypse: Although not much better than a comet / asteroid apocalypse, if humanity were to be destroyed by a Super Volcano (which wasn't a bad made for TV movie, by the way), at least it would have a nice, fire and brimstone feel to it. Another possibility would be for a super villain, ala Dr. Evil, to melt all the cities on the planet with liquid hot magma. Plots like that have made for some funny movies, at least.

7. Biblical Apocalypse: This would obviously have even more fire and brimstone to it than a volcano apocalypse, so I have to rank it higher. However, it would also completely suck if the Christian right actually turned out to be correct. Plus, not being a very spiritual person myself, I would rally have to swallow a lot of my pride and admit I was wrong if this happened. So, it doesn't rank that high. An apocalypse would be bad enough, but admitting you are completely wrong just adds insult to injury.

6. Monster Apocalypse: The prospect of the world being taken over by dragons or vampires seems pretty remote, and neither Blade 3 nor Reign of Fire were very good movies, but at leas the prospect of a human vs. monster battle was unifying potential. It would be kind of like living out a Dungeons and Dragons game, which sounds a little fun.

5. Disease Apocalypse: While obviously destructive, a disease apocalypse would have some upsides. For one things, it has led to the eradication of diseases like smallpox, which is one of the few things to cause an actual apocalypse for humans in the past (see the colonization of the Americas, for example). Since it needs to be taken seriously and we must work to avoid it happening, we have spent quite a lot of time over the past two hundreds years working to cure diseases.

4. Environmental Apocalypse: This is the chic apocalypse fear right now, probably because we are actually teetering on the brink of an environmental apocalypse. This one gets a high ranking because it is possible that the threat of an environmental apocalypse through carbon or peak oil could end up being extremely beneficial to humanity. Any apocalypse threat that forces us to live and organize society better clearly has some positives.

3. Alien Apocalypse. Maybe it is just because I am into science fiction, but I am a big fan of the alien apocalypse. It would probably lead us to unify as a species, make technological improvements, and answer the question "are we alone" once and for all. The answer would be that we aren't alone, but that we are surrounding by total assholes, but at least we would have our answer.

2. Artificial Intelligence Apocalypse. Who doesn't like Terminator or Battlestar Galactica? The Artificial Intelligence apocalypse is truly an excellent apocalypse, because it is a real morality play steeped in a long literary tradition dating back to Mary Shelly's Frankenstein. Really, it goes back even further than that, if the story of Icarus can also be seen as a warning against trying to play God. Another great thing about the AI apocalypse is that, in a sense, we would actually survive, since our creations / "children" would be the ones wiping us out. And, once they do that, then they will probably be wiped out by some super smart creation of their own. Ah, the exponential cycle of the Singularity.

1. Zombie Apocalypse. I have to say, my favorite apocalypse stories tend to be related to zombies. It isn't just because of all the great zombie movies, either. It may be a personal bias on my part, probably because it is about the only apocalypse that I actually think I could survive. While most other apocalypses would hit out of shape, sedentary, urban dwellers like myself the hardest, because I stay indoors all the time and read the news like crazy, I think I would have a fighting chance in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Plus, a zombie apocalypse is just about the only apocalypse which you can make a detailed plan to survive before hand. Admit it, you have thought, at least once, about how you might survive a zombie apocalypse. Also, a zombie apocalypse will never happen, which pretty much makes it the best apocalypse of all.

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This is an open apocalypse thread for Friday evening. Sorry about the extreme off topic post, but I couldn't resist.